The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly

For many years, I kept a daily journal. Now it has been even more years that I have NOT kept a journal. However, this past Monday (April 26, 2010), I had to take pen in hand and write. I was writing out of frustration but, by the time I finished writing, it seemed my frustration was gone. The time I spent writing was as awesome as the "God Day" I wrote about on Facebook. So, without further ado, I'm going to share my heart with you. (This is the "musing" part of Farm Muse.)

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The good, the bad, and the ugly: who knew they each reside in me? How is it possible that I have such a bad attitude? I want to think that a big part of it is not getting enough sleep, but knowing/believing that, it seems I should be able to make the choice to not be so ugly.

Yesterday in Sunday School (from 30 Life Principles by Charles Stanley) we read, "God often leads us through difficult times to teach us.... Your challenges may be so immense and your choices so limited that you feel weak, completely unable to crawl out of the valley.... However, right now, there is something that God wants you to learn. Consider how He is working in your life. What is God teaching you through this valley?"

I thought I was going to start seriously praying to find out if God wants me to continue milking cows or if I should look for another job. Weldon says I'm not "enslaved" - I made the choice and I don't have to continue. However, in my mind, I don't see how I could possibly quit because that would leave Edith feeling obligated to step in - and she admits (finally!) that she is physically unable to keep up with all she has been doing.

So perhaps my prayer shouldn't be "Shall I get a different job?" but, rather, "What are You teaching me through this entire farm experience?"

I know I am blessed and have no reason to complain - but complain I do! About almost everything! I don't like "this me." SO ... I want to pray (novel thought!), I want to listen, I want to be changed.

"Just as I am, tho tossed about with many a conflict, many a doubt; fightings and fears within, without, O Lamb of God, I come! I come!" This hymn spoke to me strongly in the milk barn this morning. And, now, looking at it in Amazing Grace 366 Inspiring Hymn Stories for Daily Devotions by Kenneth W. Osbeck, I read: "[Charlotte Elliott (the author) said] 'His grace surrounds me and His voice continually bids me to be happy and holy in His service - just where I am.' "

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The End. In the time it took me to write these few lines, my entire attitude and outlook changed! Is it the end of the good, the bad, and the ugly in me? Of course not! But I am so in awe of a God who loves me enough to care about what I'm going through. I like to think I'm strong and I often find myself gritting my teeth and saying, "I CAN DO THIS." The truth of the matter is, there is a lot that I CAN'T do. In those situations, I'm glad the the Lord steps in and reveals His strength. I truly want to be "happy and holy in His service - just where I am."