God sent a spider. It wasn't actually in the garden, or that would have been the end of my gardening exploits for the day.
It took all afternoon, but I got the little garden weeded. You can see the pile of weeds on the black plastic - way more weeds than irises in the garden. However, the irises will live; the weeds were dragged to the corner of the woods where they will rot or root or do whatever else weeds do.